«

»

Jan 24

FUCK YEAH SCIENCE! – Cyborg Implants

It’s been known that we here at EvilMediaMogul take an unusual tack in our predictions, bold assertions and pompous proclamations, usually regarding the FUCK-YEAH-ness of various topics. Far be it for me to complain; these hyperbolic headlines are the currency that we modern internetizens deal in lest our heads literally fucking explode. But every so often, a small headline will leak through that reaffirms my faith in the hype we set up for ourselves. And when it comes to science, for this offering, I have nought but to say, “Really? FUCK YEAH!”

Fear not, for while I have blatantly stolen Cracked.com’s random image break dealie-doo, I will resist to the very end the BuzzFeed-like vapid list format. Unless this site takes off, because hey, MONEY! (Source: mentalfloss.com)

What could possibly be so great? Well, nothing less than the development of a direct link between biology and technology; the union of “cybernetic” and “organism” that has been the wet dream of futurists and science-fiction aficionados for decades! From the Telegraph, cyber-fucking-netic implants, matriarch-fornicator!

 

And speaking of cyborg wet dreams and of fornication – does any self-avowed nerd not hold fond adolescent memories of that chick from Boston Legal? (Hosted at UGO.com)

Yes, I speak of the development of an artificial neural link between two separate biological systems! Literally, cyborg-type shit! Scientists at the Ecole Polytechnique Fédérale de Lausanne in France have developed a prosthetic implant that connects the spinal cords of paralyzed rats with the affected limbs, providing neural signal and drug pathways which allowed the rats to walk again after a few weeks of training. So yeah, they basically decided to cure paralysis as their proof-of-concept. Fucking-A!

 

Way to overshoot, throw the grading curve and make the rest of us assholes look bad, guys. (Source: republicofweb.org, cloudfront.net)

The flexible material used in the implant mimics the soft tissue of the spine – known as dura mater, so the scientists have named it ‘e-Dura,’ the first material of its kind. This is revolutionary because other materials can cause swelling and scarring in the tissue where the implants are located. But being made of silicone polymer and flexible gold traces mit platinum contacts means the implant can be installed in the spinal cord without all that pesky serious trauma to the spinal tissue. And because it’s flexible, no need to worry about breakage. And with the new e-Dura implant, you can say “Fuck my giant deductible, let’s saunter on down to the Radio Shack to to fix that dull ache in the small of my back!”

 

So okay, that last claim I made up. Doctors will still be needed. And, as we all know, nobody shops at Radio Shack. Seriously, how are they still in business? (Ripped off from wikimedia.org)

These tests on rats are proof that the barrier between biological and synthetic has been broken. It might be tempting to cower in fear at the inevitable Borg Rat Army that the French will release into our homes (ever in search of cheese and, perhaps, a good wine pairing.) However, human trials are still a ways off. But it isn’t pie-in-the-sky, either. To quote the above linked article, “[t]he scientists are planning to move towards clinical trials in humans within the next few years.”

Science fiction is becoming science fact. And, I must ask, once we go Borg, can we ever go back?

 

Hell, I always thought the Borg Queen was kinda hot in a kinky, dominatrix-y kind of way. That’s right; blow on that small piece of skin, baby… (lifted from trekcore.com)